Twilght/New Moon (2009)

Let me start by admitting that I am embarrassed to say that I have seen both Twilight and New Moon in the theater. In both instances I went to the film by myself and in both instances I felt that embarrassment I just mentioned upon purchasing a ticket, opening the theater doors and especially upon walking into the theater. I understood upon walking into the theater that the majority of the audience members were there because they were excited to be attending this supernatural based tween drama adventure.  Just the same I could not help the paranoid belief that each member of the audience was sizing me up and judging me, wondering what I could possibly be doing at such an event. This was especially true when I went to see Twilight with zero background knowledge on the storyline or the phenomenon surrounding the series and was dumbfounded to walk into a nearly sold out stadium seated theater. Furthermore I was the only straight male in the theater of nearly 500 women. I was forced to sit in the very front row and the whole time I felt a thousand female eyes on the back of my head questioning my intentions. Of course, I should be so lucky. During the film at least, there was no actual attention on me. Where attention is concerned, when presented with Robert Pattinson or myself, I lose every time. I just don’t brood enough. That’s fine though. I am happily not single anyway (though my girlfriend did tell me that there were plenty of shirtless men in New Moon, which was exciting. She saw the movie before I did naturally – and she’s currently in Thailand at the moment). 

 

So why then did I go to these movies you’re probably wondering. What can I tell ya? I’m a sucker for all movies supernatural based. Is that an excuse then? Well…no. Oh no. No, no, no… A thousand times no.  Part of it is a curiosity to see what the hype is all about. $140 million at the box office in 3 days is nothing to scoff at. Part of it is because every woman I know is smitten with the books (which I have never read myself). Part of it is that well…we’ll get there..

 

I was considering doing a play-by-play review of the film series thus far. Then I thought better of it. With such a cultural phenomenon as this series, I have to believe that if people are reading this then they already have some semblance of an understanding of the plot. Should you not, let me sum it up quickly by telling you that thus far, it is yet another vampire love story about a boy vampire falling in love with a human girl. Struggles ensue. Love triangles are created and drama unfolds. It is the recipe of tween success and it is the foundation of the sexiest man alive controversy. Which beautiful genius wins the prize – the ever so dashing Johnny Depp or the mysterious and brooding Robert Pattinson? [Johnny Depp won this year if you didn’t know and boy are a billion women pissed off]

 

And what is it that draws such high numbers to this franchise? Clearly there are better vampire movies out there. There have been better werewolf movies and romance driven story lines. Why then are there so many women (mainly) so driven to be lost in the world of Bella Swan and Edward Cullen? I’ve thought about this for too long already and this is what I’ve come up with:

 

Women long for devotion. The idea that a man (or men) could be so completely and utterly devoted to them is beyond attractive. If you make this man (or men) mysterious, sexy, muscular and romantic in that they make life long, passionate promises to them every time they need to be reassured, well then, if devotion is your thing, then the world of the Twilight series is just short of heaven now isn’t it?

 

So with this in mind, I have a few complaints about this series. Why is the character of Edward Cullen going to high school if he’s 109? Why is he making out with an 18 year old? [I’ve met a fair share of 18 year olds. They’re not so mesmerizing as all that – no offense to all you 18 year olds. Someday you’ll know what I’m talking about.] So isn’t hooking it up with an 18 year old when you’re 109 sort of…icky? What is it about Bella? I mean men, both human and otherwise seem to melt at her feet. All she does is walk around all broody and emo like. Almost every scene we find her with an expression of utter emotional desolation. Yet still, men and the supernatural element are literally fighting for her attentions. I could nit pick about little things, like an 18 year old girl up and running off to some European country on a whim with nothing along the lines of a passport or credentials. I could point out that Bella, although focused on graduating high school before she entertains the notion of becoming one of the undead, never seems to actually do any schoolwork. I suppose a D is passing actually. If you’re planning on entering a family that has acquired over 200 years of wealth, what use is a high school diploma anyway? I doubt she’ll be going to college. Speaking of college, how did Edward's “father” get his medical degree? Maybe I should read the books. But I digress…  

 

Upon leaving the theater after New Moon, an employee of the cinema was holding open the door. It was a guy, probably in his early 20s. He gave me a knowing smile, which seemed to say, “Diggin’ the movie, huh pal?” I don’t blame him. I’m still not really sure what I was doing there. Even worse, I can’t honestly say that I have not enjoyed these movies. I mean they’re no Die Hard. They’re no Lost Boys. They’re no Love Actually. But they are rather enjoyable.   That’s right. I said it. There’s something about these films that just tell a good story.  

 

Hey, no one ever accused me of being a man’s man. Perhaps there’s a little of Edward Cullen in me too. Perhaps. Sexy huh?