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Transporter 2
The Transporter 2 is the sweet, sweet middle installment of the theatrical tour de force (That’s French!) that is the Transporter franchise. It is the totally shitty sequel to the kind-of awesome The Transporter, and the lead-up to the not-quite-as-shitty (but still shitty!) Transporter 3. It is worth noting that the first two movies were directed by noted auteur (That’s also French!) Louis Leterrier (French as well! The trifecta!), whose name translates into “The Obnoxious Little Yippy Dog.” The third movie was directed by Olivier Megaton (Again, French! I smell a conspiracy!), whose name translates into “I Will Break Your Life Bare-Handed and Then Go Buy a Sandwich.” It is a well-known fact that Monsieur Megaton kicked Monsieur Leterrier’s ass in a bare-knuckle boxing match to win the helm of the third (and hopefully final) film.
Anyway, in Le Transport Deux, we revisit Frank Martin, ex. Special Forces gun-for-hire, hot shoe, and charter member of the Chuck Norris fan club. He has relocated from France (Again! WTF?) to Miami, where he has fallen into a deep depression after realizing that he is slowly going bald. Fortunately, he gets work as a driver for a wealthy family, and quickly grows fond of Jack, the token precocious child. A bunch of boring shit occurs for the next 15 minutes or so; it is a well-known fact that this is precisely the reason God created the “fast-forward” button.
We return to Frank, who has apparently decided to pick up Crack-Head Prostitute Lady on the way home from taking Jack to the doctors. He is forced to outrun dozens of police before he can ditch the kid and get nice with the C-HPL; fortunately he has a sweet new Audi at his disposal that he upgraded to from his BMW because BMW neglected to renew sponsorship for this le tas de merde it is like way, way awesomer. Sadly, the crack-head steals the cash out of his wallet and gives Jack Super-Herpes™. Frank is very sad, and swears an oath to get his money back.
At this point, I spilled my beer on the carpet, and my wife threatened to change the DVD to “The Animal” castrate me if I didn’t clean it up immediately. I chose to do so immediately; sadly, I missed the next 20 minutes or so of this polype anal, as God had decided to drain the remote batteries, preventing me from pausing it spare my life. He giveth, and He taketh away…
So now, Jack’s parents are infected with the Super-Herpes™ because Jack has poor manners and doesn’t cover his mouth when he sneezes. There was also apparently some revelatory plot point involving Jack’s dad, the DEA, and C-HPL’s walking movie cliché Colombian drug-lord boyfriend. Sounds totally reasonable. Frank decides to try to save his job by going to find the antidote; a whole bunch of crazy shit goes down involving fire hoses, moving vehicles, and some Russian mobster scumbag-types, and Frank ends up getting a vial of Super-Herpes™ Antidote, but not before C-HPL shows back up to ask for $5 and a ham sandwich stop Frank from escaping. Fortunately, Pacman Jones and Jermaine Dupri show up and make it rain, and Frank escapes in the ensuing confusion.
At this point, I need to prendre une pisse, and excuse myself for another 10 or 15 minutes.
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Back again! Frank is somehow now on a plane with the Colombian drug-lord boyfriend, and busts out some sweet Matrix-style moves to get nice with Carrie-Anne Moss dodge a bullet. Unfortunately, the pilot is drunk, and crashes the plane into the ocean; Frank is able to survive the massive force of the impact because he is immune to the laws of Physics. He then breaks the Colombian drug-lord boyfriend’s back because he changed his last name to “Megaton” is just that awesome. Cops arrive, and Frank heads to the hospital, where he and Jack’s family share a good laugh over the whole incident. Frank leaves the hospital, where he reunites with his good friend Inspector Clouseau Tarconi from The Transporter, who has just arrived because he was given a pay cut and reduced screen-time is on vacation in the states. Frank drops him at the airport, and then receives a call warning him not to accept a starring role in Crank: High Voltage.
All in all, I give Transporter 2 a rating of 6 out of 10 crusty baguettes! Maintenant continuer à la maison et poignarder vos yeux hors! Whee!
--->DJ
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