Titanic

1997 was a wonderful time in my life. The reasons for it being such a wonderful time are numerous and many of these reasons involve breasts. In fact, someday I might even write a memoir reflecting back on the entirety of those 365 days and the importance that they had not only to me, but to the world as well. So besides breasts and other monumental events that transpired, like a full moon resting against the starry night sky, one event clearly stands out amongst them all. That event: Titanic!

 

Let me tell you how thoroughly stoked I was to read late in 1996 that one of the greatest (if not THE greatest) actors of our time was coming back to the big screen with a budget of $200,000,000 (that’s roughly $250,000,000 in 2009 dollars people!) behind him. This is a $155,000,000 budget increase from the last major release starring this man, a film that many had up until this time referred to as “The film that changed the world as we know it”; a film that this man naturally starred in. Now I know what you are all probably thinking. I am sure most of you know the $45,000,000 epic 1996 adventure I’m referring to, and you would be correct in your assumption. Of course I’m talking about The Phantom! But what I’m sure most of you are mistaken about is which of the two artistic visionaries both starring in The Phantom I’m referring to. Much to your surprise you will learn that it is not Treat Williams although it would be an easy mistake to make. However Treat’s 1997 film, The Devil’s Own, co-starring Brad Pitt and Harrison Ford, was a shadow under this giant to which The Phantom himself starred. That’s right, I’m talking, of course, about Uwe Boll’s favorite leading man, Billy (motherfuckin’) Zane (up in the hizouse)! 

 

That’s right. The movie was Titanic starring Billy Zane (directed by James Cameron, not Uwe Boll) – a common misnomer). It is still the highest grossing film of all time. Just last year (2008), The Dark Knight attempted to surpass this epic film in total dollars grossed but failed due to one minor (though clearly major) mistake. No Billy Zane! They cast Eric Roberts, sure, but where was Billy Zane? Answer: there was no Billy Zane. I mean c’mon people! Can’t you do the math? Didn’t you see Demon Knight? Dark Knight. Demon Knight. Seems pretty freakin’ obvious to me!

 

Anyway…

 

For those of you who have never seen Titanic, let me sum it up for you. The story starts with an underwater adventurer (played by another great great artist – Bill Paxton) who somehow discovers the Titanic and all it’s rusted glory. An old lady who was on the Titanic the night it went down meets up with Bill Paxton, underwater adventurer, and starts telling her story of that legendary night. The story fades back in time and we learn that this old woman was once engaged to the hero of our story. Kate Winslet, who plays the role of the old woman, only young and not old because the old woman is a different actress who incidentally didn’t get her Oscar that year even though everyone thought she was a sure thing – ironically the same thing happened to Winslet that year indicating that fiction and real life are pretty much one and the same. What do I mean by that? I don’t know. It’ll come back to us later. 

 

Moving on…

 

Winslet gets naked in front of some guy who then draws her and plans to sell those drawings to a pornographic distributor when he arrives on shore. We learn then that Billy’s character hears of this betrayal and like a gentleman, offers Winslet’s character a chance to renounce their engagement. Naturally Winslet’s character recognizes that she would never find such chivalry anywhere else in the world and not within anyone else either. With apologies all around, Winslet and Billy make up and there is a long romantic lovemaking scene set in front of a raging fire. The scene is cut short when the fire, much like the scene itself, is suddenly doused of all its fieriness by a stream of icy salt water. Much to the delight of every heterosexual woman and homosexual man in the audience, now shirtless, wearing only sandals and frayed flannel bottoms, Billy picks Winslet up off the now water logged shag rug, saving her from the stream of freezing water and begins to fight his way through the ship as it begins to slowly sink into the arctic depths of the blackened sea. 

 

The film continues on with Billy saving two children from what would be certain death by way of the venom from a horde of savage, man-eating eels. Without putting a defenseless and terribly frightened Winslet down, Billy single handedly (literally) crushes each one of the eels with a monstrous blow to the tops of each of the eel’s heads (just as Andre the Giant did in The Princess Bride). The children are relieved to be saved and then hug tightly to Billy’s legs as he continues to attempt to flee from the ship. 

 

Turning a corner, now with a child clinging to each leg and Winslet in his arms, the little boy, the one gripping Billy’s right leg, suddenly remembered that his puppy was still in the room where the eels attacked. After seeking out advice from Winslet, whose eyes were at this point rolling in terror, as to what he should do and finding no answer, Billy recognized that he simply could not leave such an innocent creature such as a puppy behind. Fighting his way back through the panic stricken people, Billy successfully made it to the eel room. The little boy let go of Billy’s leg and then frantically began searching the room for his puppy. He was then crushed under a giant refrigerator.  

 

The puppy was lost.

 

Returning to the hall with a little girl on one leg and Winslet still cradled in his arms, Zane battled his way from one level to the next, treading the freezing water and sometimes swimming through it, fending off deranged and terrorized passengers, and having a brief but important therapeutic conversation with the Captain and relieving him of any wrongdoing or guilt. Eventually, after much time spent at the edge of the audience’s seat, Billy Zane, with the little girl and Winslet in his arms, reached the safety of the upper deck. Gently he placed Winslet and the little girl into a life raft. Immediately following, Billy then lifted out of the raft three men disguised as women and tossed them into the sea. “Swim for your lives you cretins,” he shouted as their tiny frames disappeared under the water. 

 

“You can’t leave me!” Winslet shouted.

“But I must,” Billy says. “There are others who might need my help.”

“But there’s room,” Winslet pleaded. “There’s room in the raft.”

Billy smiled. “Women and children first,” he says. “Women and children first.”

 

Winslet and the little girl look up at Billy as the raft is lowered into the water. They watch as he smiles at them one last time. They watch as he wipes a single tear from his face, and then, when he’s so high above them that they can barely recognize him, he turns and disappears. 

 

The hero, lost to the world. 

 

The film then flashes back to the present and the old woman is standing on an oil rig in the middle of the ocean. Its night and she’s looking out at the waters as she remembers. We as an audience see the pain and anger on her face as she silently curses the waters for stealing her man from her (once again insuring her stolen Oscar). Slowly, the old woman removes the engagement ring still on her finger and we watch in horror as she drops it into the ocean below her. The camera focuses from the Old Woman’s perspective as the ring drops, sparkles once in the moonlight and then is lost along with her one true love. It is her way of saying goodbye.

 

The credits roll along with the tears. 

 

One of the greatest movies of all time. One of the – if not THE – greatest actors of all time. 

 

Billy Zane. Hero. Proving to us all that fiction and real life are pretty much one and the same (see, I brought it back). No wonder Uwe Boll loves him so much! Mr. Boll knows a good thing when he sees it. We love you Billy! Itburnsuspreciuos.com salutes you!  

 

 

 

The Gold Retrievers with Steve Guttenberg

Enemies Among Us with that snake Eric Roberts who took his role in The Dark Knight