Rise: Blood Hunter

After reading a newspaper article about something, Lucy goes to the house in tha slumz to try and find her career momentum.  Instead, she finds the house from Silence Of The Lambs and brilliantly decides to check it out.    Down in the basement Lucy finds something so stinky that no one can handle it, but it turns out it's just a DVD copy of Ballistic: Ecks vs Sever.  Terrified, she hightails it over to the h4x0rz' pad only to find that he trashed his apartment after getting pwned by n00bs on Battle.net.  Fortunately, the h4x0rz' lover shows up and kidnaps Lucy by threatening to make her watch Charlie's Angels: Full Throttle.  Helen Zass much?

Lucy gets taken to some place where there are DELICIOUS CHEESE AND CRAXORZ!  Oh, wait...I should say /me eats some cheese and crackers and kinda ignores the movie for a bit.  At some point in there, Lucy gets killed by vampires who then have sex and possibly have sex with her corpse as well and she's kinda dead but not really and somebody was like "hey, that would be really fucking groundbreaking to light this scene using only red light" and man this movie sucks.  Finally, we are brought up to speed about what the fuck is happening in this move, and then freshly undead Lucy picks up a hitch hiker.

You can probably guess what happens next.  That's right...the hitchhiker offers her weed!  (Note to self: file lawsuit for unauthorized use of my life as source material.)  Lucy employs a novel new strategy for dealing with this by killing him and drinking his blood.  Note to self: try that.

Meanwhile, there's some Eurotrash vampire dude mackin' on some chick who uses the term "hung like an Austrailian alligator" to describe him (note to self: don't ever go to Austrailia.)  He plays it smooth like that by asking her about what it was like losing her virginity, a questionable mackin' strategy that will soon be employed with much less success by all the 15-year old dorks watching this film.  Then presumably he goes to have sex with an Australian alligator and she wanders off, but who knows or cares?

Back at grandpa's house, the police have discovered some nice whiskey and are having a nightcap.  The lead singer of Right Said Fred sings "I'm Too Sexy" while sitting on the lap of grandpa's corpse, and everyone claps and takes pictures.  At the same time, Lucy is too late to save another interchangeable, naked Size Zero type.  Fortunately, she shows us her ass-kicking crime fighting skills by getting beaten up by some old dude.

At the hotel, things are going better with drunk!, and Right Said Fred drinks an entire bottle of peppermint schnapps and hallucinates, which probably won't work for you unless you mix your peppermint schnapps with peyote.  In another unnecessary flashback, we learn that there's some fucked up shit going on, and then Lucy goes to a biker bar to try and get lucky.  Fortunately, the bar is actually the Place Where People's Careers Go to Die.  After chatting with Marilyn Manson, Lucy bumps into Nick Lachey and Elden Hanson, who feel her up and ship her off to see Eurotrash Vampire Man.

In yet another pointless flashback, we learn more about the totally uncompelling back-story of Lucy's vampire hunting hero as she suffocates a homeless dude and then drinks his blood.  Unfortunately, she is spotted by some homeless moppet who makes her feel all self-conscious and shit.  Then some other stuff happened and I skipped to the next chapter of the DVD.

Apparently somewhere in the part I skipped Lucy got all fucked up, as she waked up in a hospital in Mexico.  Oh shit!  Some dude tells her some stuff, some other things happen and JESUS FUCKING CHRIST HOW LONG IS THIS FUCKING MOVIE?  Eventually, Lucy and the lead singer of Right Said Fred team up to do battle with Eurotrash Vampire Man and then Right Said Fred's daughter gives some speech about how, like, you know, Goth kids are, like, you know, like so misunderstood and shit you know? And then GOOD GOD THIS MOVIE IS LIKE 200 HOURS LONG WITH THE FUCK? and then Eurotrash talks about gettin' nice with the ladies and nobody believes him and then the movie ends with the threat of more episodes of this horrible, horrible saga.