Paranormal Activity (2009)

September 13^th

I told my friend Stevie about the things that have been happening in the house. Stevie didn’t believe me. I guess I don’t know if I believe it either. Figured I’d go out and pick up some recording equipment. Perhaps I could capture some of the things or events that have been happening. The equipment I picked up was sweeeet! Showed it to Katie. She was less than impressed. Whatever. She’s not always paying attention when she showers. Ooooo baby!

 

September 14^th

Set up the camera while we slept. Haven’t had time to watch any of the footage. I skimmed through it. Not so much happening. Katie likes to shower when she gets home from classes. I wonder if there’s a good place to hide the camera in the bathroom.

 

September 15^th

Thumps and bumps in the night. Annoying. I watched the tape and clearly saw Katie and I being annoyed. You can hear the thumps and bumps. Not sure what it was. Looked around the house. Didn’t see anything.   Could just be the furnace. Also, Katie won’t let me video her showering. Bummer.

 

September 17^th

Nothing two nights ago. Last night though we went to bed after dinner. Katie was all like, do the dishes. I told her I’d do them in the morning. We woke up and the dishes were done! I didn’t do them. Katie didn’t do them. I mean it seemed fine to me. Katie was all in hysterics about it. I asked her what the big deal was. She said it was the principle of the matter. I said, principle or not, the dishes were done. I jokingly thanked the “presence” in the house. Katie got mad. Not a good time to ask to video our bedroom pleasantries. 

 

September 18^th

Had a dream last night. It was more like a nightmare I suppose. I dreamt I was in the land of the Smurfs. In the dream I was having dinner with Papa Smurf, Brainy, Smurfette and a few others I can’t remember.  Then from out of nowhere Gargamele showed up except it wasn’t Gargamele from the cartoon series, it was Larry The Cable Guy. He was all stomping through the mushroom village causing up a stir and slurring his words. I have no idea what he was trying to say, but it scared the hell out of me. I woke up in a cold sweat. Katie was sound asleep next to me. I noticed then, much to my horror, written on her vanity mirror in blue nail polish was, “Get Her Done!” Not cool! Something is going on. I’m going to figure out what that something is!

 

September 20^th

Katie insisted that we contact a psychic. I told her that was a stupid thing to do and that I could handle whatever it was that was messing with us. She gave me some argument about supernatural forces and things we don’t understand. Whatever. My house, my rules. I told her so too! Still, a psychic is coming to the house. Whoopty dooo.

 

Yeah, yeah – the psychic said our house had a presence in it. No duh Houdini! We knew that already. I’m sure I’ll get his bill soon enough. He suggested we contact a demonologist for further assistance. He gave us a name of a professor which is good because I’m pretty sure demonologists aren’t listed in the yellow pages. This whole thing is ridiculous. Maybe if I line all my shoes up in the living room, the whatever it is will polish them in the night. Anyway I told the psychic I wanted to get a Ouija board but he and Katie were all, no no, you’re inviting the evil into the house if you do that. Um hello! So called evil is already here. Katie made me promise that I wouldn’t buy one. Heh, jokes on her. My buddy’s kid has one. He’s all into that metal guy Sammi Curr and that devil worship crap. I’m sure my buddy wouldn’t mind me borrowing the thing. I wanna know what this thing in my house wants. It’s messing with the wrong guy, let me tell you!

 

September 21^st

Katie woke up screaming in the night. She said that she was sleeping and for whatever reason opened her eyes and saw Gilbert Godfrey looking down on her with a half smile on his face. She said he was just standing over her and staring. She was petrified with fear. Finally he whispered shhhhh, stepped forward, caressed her forehead, chuckled and left the room. I checked the tape. Someone was there. I didn’t see a face, but someone was in the room. Katie wants to call the demonologist guy. I said hell no. I will handle this. My house! 

 

September 23^rd

Woke up to wonderful smells. Followed my nose downstairs and found a full breakfast consisting of pancakes, sausage, bacon, orange juice, toast (cinnamon), and fruits. I asked Katie if she made it. She said no. I checked the tape. Apparently she woke up in the night, somewhere around 4am and went downstairs. She came back to bed around 6:30am. Apparently she did make it. She told me not to eat it but I said screw that, thanked the entity for possessing my girlfriend and presumed to get down. 

 

Katie was away at class today. Since she was gone I took the opportunity to ask the presence if it wanted to play some Left For Dead on my Xbox. I told it that it could even use the camo controller. Stupid thing didn’t answer. Sure it can bump and scratch the walls at night. It can do the dishes. But it can’t play Xbox like a normal guy? C’mon now! 

 

I went out and got my buddy’s son’s Ouija board. We’ll use it later.

 

Katie got all mad when I showed her the board. Won’t she be sorry when we learn that the being in the house is nothing more than Michael Jackson trying to tell us where his hidden stock certificates are. 

 

I put cookies out for the thing. I figure if we keep it happy, it’ll leave us alone. I think this plan might work.

 

September 24^th

Went to sleep. Woke up sometime in the night only to find Katie on the ceiling looking down at me. Her eyes were wide and unblinking. This was stupid. I told her to get down. She was unresponsive. Then I yelled at the thing in the house and told him that if he was going to play scary games with us that he should come up with his own material and stop emulating Sigourney Weaver in Ghostbusters. The thing, whatever it is, answered with a pounding on the wall or floor downstairs. Katie then fell to the bed and awoke from her trance when she hit the mattress. Enough is enough, right? So I jumped up out of bed and challenged the whatever it is to a fight. I told it to meet me out back and we’d settle things like men. The thing didn’t show up. I waited for like 15 minutes. Of course, I’ll admit, that in my anger, pacing back and forth by the backyard pool, I temporarily forgot about Katie. When I returned to the room, she was on the ceiling again. Real cute, I told the thing. Whatever. I let her sleep on the ceiling if that’s the way it was going to be. According to the video, she floated back down to the bed somewhere around 4:20am. I didn’t even wake up. When I finally did, I found that the cookies were gone. I didn’t eat them. Katie didn’t. I knew the cookes were a good idea. My house! 

 

September 25^th

My living room is now florescent orange. I didn’t paint it that color. Katie didn’t. She was on the ceiling all night. I’m not impressed. It’s going to take like, money to repaint it. To make it worse, as I began investigating the house from the living room came the most horrible sound I had ever heard. I ran back to the newly painted room. The sound was coming from the stereo. I pushed the power button but it didn’t do any good. The speakers still belted the horror. With no other choice, I found a meat hammer from the kitchen and smashed the stereo to bits. I tore the CD from the player. There, as if mocking me was The Best of Michael Bolton. Now let me make this clear, I do not own a Michael Bolton CD. Never have, never will. Katie doesn’t either. If she did, we’d have bigger problems than this stupid thing, whatever it is. Then, suddenly, from the upstairs stereo came another horrendous song. I ran up the stairs and from that player was able to extract The Best of Yanni. I told Katie all about this. She wants to call the Demonologist. Screw that, I say. This is my house. I’ll handle this! I mean really. Orange? It couldn’t have been a maroon or a nice calming cream… Leaving more cookies this time.

 

September 27^th

I think Katie is having an affair with the whatever it is. She has snuck away in the night the last two nights. Roses arrived for her today. I didn’t order them. The note simply said, from a secret admirer – not a human one. Yeah, real subtle buddy! The cookies were also gone. Takes the cookies, takes my girlfriend. Katie is all smiles it seems. I mean a week ago she was all freaking out and telling me to call in an exorcist or something. Now…smiles all day. I know what those smiles mean! I got out the Ouija board and asked the thing if it was having an affair with my girlfriend. It pointed to Yes and then spelled “and your mom.” I then called it a pussy and challenged it to a fight. I waited out back for twenty-five minutes this time. I didn’t show. It’s scared of me. 

 

September 28^th

I’m doing 50 push ups a day now. I’m drinking protein shakes. No disturbances. Film is empty of anything paranormal. Told ya it was scared of me.

 

September 29^th

Last night Katie was sucked into a planar void of some kind. It dripped a greenish ooze from the hole in the middle of the bedroom. There was a slurping sound like when you drink the last of the soda through a straw. I held onto Katie’s hand as half of her was drenched in the ooze and the other half dangled freely in space. She was speaking a language I did not recognize, her joints rotated in impossible angles and she told me that the Raiders were going all the way this year. 

I peed my pants. 

 

September 30^th

Woke up late. Katie left a note telling me that she was running away with the thing (apparently its name is Walter) to Jamaica. She said that Walter has a place near a natural spring with a hot tub and a sunning deck. I’m not giving up without a fight though. Just watch and see. I’m going to Jamaica. I’m gonna haunt their house. See how they like that! I’m taking my protein shakes with me! 

 

Melvin