Legion

I’m thoroughly confused.

 

I realize that I’m not playing by the rules here. A movie like Legion is supposed to be viewed with certain rules observed:

 

1)      Suspend disbelief (AKA “The James Bond Rule”)

2)      Suspend higher brain function

3)      Suspend inherent knee-jerk critique reaction

4)      Do shots before entering the theatre

 

Alas, I managed to forget the first three today, and as I was attending a matinee with the wife (and driving), I had to skip the last one as well. I was hoping for a complete bad-ass action-fest that was just awesome from start to finish.

 

Instead, I ended up a bit confused. But we’ll get back to that in a bit. First things first…

 

 

Legion is a new-ish take on the standard apocalypse tale; basically, the end of the world is nigh, but this time around, it’s not a brimstone-spewing rift in the Earth that opens up and dumps hordes of demonic creatures into our world, all intent on busting out an end-of-days (not to be confused with End Of Days) culling of civilization. No, the twist here is that it’s *angels*. 

 

Yeah…God has decided that it’s been a while since he busted out a good ol’ fashioned reset on creation, but since last time Noah fucked everything up by building a big-ass boat, he decides to stock a cadre of angels with a vast selection of NATO-approved small arms and sic them on mankind. Of course, things aren’t so simple; there’s a rogue angel intent on protecting mankind, and there’s a (completely expected) exit clause that can derail all of The Big Guy’s plans. I won’t go further on plot, but I will say this: Legion is nearly as predictable as an M. Knight Shyamalan film. Fill in your own blanks.

 

 

The lovely little hamlet of Paradise Falls (Really? Scott Stewart, you should be ashamed of that one!) plays host to an awesome cast of totally-not stereotyped characters:

 

Michael – A fallen archangel and former general in God’s army. He is a natural protector of God’s children, and here, he takes it to the logical extreme, proclaiming that sometimes a son “gives his father what he asks for, and sometimes he gives him what he needs”. In this case, God apparently needs his most trusted soldier to cut off his wings and declare war on his Almighty Father. Must’ve been a rough household growing up.

 

Bob – The crusty, alcoholic, and sleepy owner of Paradise Falls. Father to Jeep (*whistle* Personal Foul, Terrible Naming.  Ten yard penalty, loss of writing priveleges, still first down), nemesis to the television in the lounge, purveyor of cheap canned beer and “Don’t take the same path I did”-style fatherly advice.

 

Jeep – The mis-guided mechanic at Falls. Has visions in his dreams, apparently can’t actually fix anything (nepotism rules!), digs chicks who are preggers, and is mildly retarded. (Could just be the southern accent.)

 

Charlie – The waitress. Also, vessel for the salvation of mankind, assuming she doesn’t cause a miscarriage from the incessant chain-smoking.

 

Kyle – The homie from Vegas. Drives a Tahoe on 20”s, packs heat, and loves him some terrible ghetto slang. (For example, he can’t simply say, “When I was a child…”, but instead needs to bust out “Yo, when I was a shawty…”)

 

The Andersons – Mom (Sandra) is a total bitch who hates her over-privileged life; daughter (Audrey) is a slutty troublemaker who claims to hate her parents, but secretly loves them and just wants to be accepted. Dad (Howard) is lunch.

 

Gabriel – The archangel and brother of Michael. Angel of death. Likes to attack foes with an immersion blender. 

 

WTF???? 

 

We’re in the home stretch. Like I said before, I left the theater very confused on a few plot points and assorted details. I would imagine that while the movie itself clocks in at a shade over and hour and a half, the DVD version is probably going to be like three days long, and make a shit-ton more sense. Here are a few of my favorites: (NOTE: SPOILERS FOLLOW!!!! YOU WERE WARNED!!!!)

-When the team is walking to the cop car and the pod-people are just letting them go, who the hell was the bag-headed midget with the 2x4 in front of the car? This character got a rather dramatic reveal, and then…just let the team hop in and take off. 

 

-So the unborn kid is the salvation of mankind. Why? Michael is all, “The child must be born!’ Then, when the kid pops out and mom is all, ‘Are we safe now?”, Michael is all, "No…now the child must grow up and lead humanity against the armies of darkness.” What the hell? Why couldn’t the kid being born in Sydney, Australia at that moment do the same thing? Or little Ubuntu over in Narobi? Why this kid?  And why are God's armies the armies of darkness, anyway?   Wouldn't they be armies of *light*? 

 

I guess I was expecting a blinding white light to burst forth from Charlie’s vagina, immediately eradicating all the evil from the world. Where’s the payoff?

 

-If God is all about loving his creation, and is a being of pure love to begin with, why does he turn innocent people into bloodthirsty, foul-mouthed zombies devoid of any form of soul? I mean, the nice old lady who snacks on Mr. Anderson (Not this one…although that may have made the movie way better worse more interesting…) starts cursing like a sailor and chewing on people. Wouldn’t you expect God’s messengers to be a bit more pleasant? I thought there was something in the Bible about not consuming the flesh of a living being or taking His name in vain. (My parents told me when I was young that wasn’t just limited to His name literally, but covered all swear-words. I’m wondering if that was bullshit…) 

 

-Why wasn’t the nice lady who ate Mr. Anderson and swore her head off played by Betty White?

-Where the fuck did the little kid-demon who snuck in and attacked Charlie go? There’s a shot of Jeep unloading an MP5 in his direction, presumably killing him. Then…cut to the next unrelated scene? Huh?

 

After the first night, Mrs. Anderson looks outside to see Mr. Anderson Strapped to an upside-down cross. Why would God utilize anti-Christian imagery in his mission to eradicate mankind? Isn’t that completely at odds with His existence? 

-Why is it that Paradise Falls is in the middle of the desert, and yet when Jeep, Charlie, and…er…Charlie, Jr. head out into the desert and crash their car like twelve seconds later, they decide to climb a mountain? 

 

-If God specifically sent Gabriel to kick Michael’s ass, and Gabriel *does* kick Michael’s ass, why does Michael get resurrected by God to come back to kick Gabriel’s ass?   

 

-Why does Jeep suddenly get Michael’s tattoos when Michael dies? Michael is all, “Find the instructions! Follow the map! Cook the cake!” Why, again? And while we’re here, why does Michael have a tattoo all along of the instructions to protect the salvation of human-kind before the kid is even born or God even makes the decision to go with a second apocalypse? And maybe more importantly, if Jeep can’t figure out how to fix a car, how’s he going to figure out what the tattoos mean anyway?

 

 

Legion was, in all honesty, not a bad film. It was action-packed, looked nice, and the pacing was solid. I feel like it may have suffered from a case of over-zealous studio meddling with the final cut, and I would bet good money on many of my questions being answered by an extended version. All in all, I would recommend seeing the film if you’re a fan of post-apocalyptic material, biblical shit, or Roc. But maybe wait until it hits DVD…