The Hottie and The Nottie

So DJ, Melvin and I go to the hibachi place. Since I’m a sadistic fuck, I give DJ and Melvin each a homework assignment.

 

Two days later, DJ emails me to let me know that he is actually doing his homework, and in return he has a homework assignment for me. I have been assigned to watch The Hottie and The Nottie.

 

Fuck.

 

A bit of background on The Hottie and the Nottie: so someone in Hollywood is snorting a gigantic pile of cocaine, and then they’re all like, “hey, let’s get that sex tape chick and have her be in a movie and shit!” and then someone else was like “dude fux yeah!” and then it came out and like twelve people in the US saw it in the theatre[1]and they were all drunk as fuck, and then it was voted #57 worst movie of all time[2] on IMDB, and now I am assigned to watch it.

 

Apparently my level of sadism is nowhere near DJ’s. I mean, all I did was assign him to watch Larry the Cable Guy: Health Inspector, and that one isn’t even in the bottom 100.[3] So anyways I go to Best Buy looking to buy a copy of them shits, and of course it’s not available. Then I go to Newbury Comics and the guy informs me that them shits[4] is all unavailable, and that I should buy it on the internets. This makes things more complicated, as my whole plan had been to buy The Hottie and The Nottie, watch it, stab my eyes out, and then return it under the pretense that I couldn’t watch it due to a tragic incident in which I stabbed my eyes out. So obviously this plan was not going to work. So I Netflixed it.

 

It’s currently sitting on my bed in a Netflix envelope. I’m scared. I’ll come back tomorrow.

 

 

I don’t know how to approach this, exactly. I mean, sure I like to watch some of the worst movies ever, but I feel out of my league on this one. I don’t really do romantic comedies, in as much as I don’t do romance and I don’t do comedies. As far as I can tell, no one gets killed with a power tool in this film, and this concerns me.

 

According to NetFlix, if I enjoy this movie I will also enjoy Norbit. I did not know that it was possible to enjoy Norbit.

 

 

Did you know that The Hottie and the Nottie lost the award for Worst Picture of 2008 to The Love Guru? I can only imagine how terrible that movie must be. In other news, look for my upcoming review of The Love Guru!

 

 

Went to the magical cards. Came home. DVD still here. Considered preemptively poking my eyes out. Decided not to (yet.) Temped, though.

 

Had to work late today. After work, had to go to the bar. Gosh it’s late. Looks like I won’t be able to fit in The Hottie and the Nottie right now. Bummer!

 

 

Wow. Left The Hottie and The Nottie out on the front step, wrapped in hundred dollar bills. Still there when I got home from work. Apparently no one is going to steal it from me. Apparently I am not going to be saved. Apparently God does not exist.

 

Here I go. Excuse me while I write this review in real time.

 

 

Unpromising sign #1: This film is distributed by Liberation Entertainment. 

 

Unpromising sign #2: The first preview is for some “girls learning self esteem through rock n’ roll” documentary called Girls Rock!

PAUSE!

 

(Is The Hottie and The Nottie setting itself up to be some sort of neofeminist manifesto? This seems unprecedented.)

 

UNPAUSE

 

Holy fuck! Unfuckingpromising sign #3: The second preview is for some soon-to-be-reviewed-on-this-website POS called A Very Cool Christmas, the trailer for which features both the phrase “too cool for Christmas” and a farting Santa joke! FUX YEAH!

 

JESUS GOD IN HEAVEN UNFUCKINGPROMISING SIGN #4: Ok, I’m still in the preview for A Very Cool Christmas here and let me tell you, I don’t know how bad The Hottie and The Nottie is going to be, but A Very Cool Christmas is literally making my jaw drop with how awful it looks. Holy shit. This film apparently ALSO features Santa Claus being made over by a flamboyantly gay hairdresser and a “Special appearance by Donna Mills.” WHO THE FUCK IS DONNA MILLS? Oh, and just now Santa Claus said “bling bling” to some chap. I can only hope that this is some reverse psychology marketing on the part of the producers of The Hottie and The Nottie; “Hey, if we lead with the absolute worst trailer of all time, then the movie following it will seem OK by comparison.” 

 

OK! Made it through the trailers, still watching!

 

Unpromising sign #5: 20 seconds into The Hottie and the Nottie, and some voiceover is explaining how falling in love for the first time is so fucking awesome and shit. Oh, and there’s a girl names Krystabelle, or something. Who the fuck names their kid Krystabelle?  Shouldn't you be trying to discourage your daughter from growing up to be a stripper?

 

Unpromising sign #6: Thanks for the plot exposition, Helpful Voiceover Man! Flash forward 20 years. That guy with the big nose from Dodgeball is living in Maine, and we know this because it’s all gray and cold and everyone is wearing a coat and also a helpful title card reads “Somewhere in Maine.” His girlfriend is a bitch, but that’s OK because he’s a douchebag who doesn’t really love her anyways. I am going to be single for the rest of my life. Just sayin’.

 

Unpromising sign #7: Hey, you know what? At this point, it’s ALL unpromising. Let’s just dispense with the pleasantries and get down to business.

 

Nose Man goes to California to check in with his buddy who is played by THE Greg Wilson, who is not funny but who is a douchebag because he wants to be called THE Greg Wilson. From now on, you may only refer to me as THE Postietoastie. OK then!

 

Nose Man and THE Greg Doucheface check out some old yearbooks and remark how hot Krystaabelle was when she was 13, which sounds suspiciously like looking at kiddie porn. Just sayin’! Then THE Greg Pigfucker pedantically explains how some girls are all hot and shit and some girls are busted like whoa and GOD DAMN IT THIS MOVIE IS CALLED THE HOTTIE AND THE NOTTIE, WHAT THE FUCK ELSE COULD IT POSSIBLY BE ABOUT I HATE YOU THE GREG WILSON! Word up!

 

Nose Man gives some speech about fate and I start drinking very, very aggressively. Nose Man goes to sit on a bench with a bunch of pathetic other dudes to wait for a chance to see Krystabeele as she runs by. Apparently none of them got the memo that a much easier way to see Paris Hilton Kryyystablle is to download the video where she fucks some dude. Excuse me a moment while I go confirm that that video is still readably available.

 

 

Good to know! OH SHIT WORLD’S LEAST INTERESTING FLIRTING SCENE! Paris Hilton Kristabile is not only not that attractive, but is also a terrible actress. She acts all flirty and Nose Man has a boner like whoa and I hate my life. Back at the health spa, we meet Paris Hilton Krizztabel’s busted friend, and everyone looks around for the title card to explain that she’s The Nottie because the correct way to watch this movie is hammrt like you read about. Paris Hilton Christabile makes some helpful comment about how she doesn’t fuck, which is totally not true and everybody knows it now. Spookytooth Busted Friend is not so much a character as a walking collection of easy sight gags, including but not limited to bad teeth, bad hair, bad skin, bad toenails, warts, spookytooth, unibrow, unshaved legs, acne, scarytooth, excessive body hair and (presumably) dirty peeps. Surprisingly, I have not seen her at the Magic tournament. 

 

In a plot twist foreshadowed by every god damned thing that has happened so far in this pile of shit, Paris Hilton Krstbll helpfully informs us that she won’t fuck until someone throws it in Spookytooth first. Oh snap! Who oh who will possibly fuck poor Spookytooth? Who could possibly be interested in someone so busted? Where oh where will we find someone to give poor old Spookytooth the baloney pony? Apparently no one involved with this movie has ever been to the Magic tournament.

 

Nose Man helpfully reveals his genius plan to get some sucker to fuck Spookytooth. Paris Hilton Krastabill helpfully informs us that “Life without orgasms is like life without flowers.” I’d like to helpfully add that flowers are totally fucking overrated, and I should know. Nose Man scams some tosser into going on a date with Spookytooth, and then OH SHIT FRAT BOY! While Paris Hilton Krystibizzleinthahizzle and Spookytooth are waiting for Nose Man and Tosser to show up, OH SHIT FRAT BOY decides to make his move to get all up in that ass. Fortunately, Spookytooth may be busted, but at least she’s a bitch and OH SHIT FRAT BOY gets all shown up. Paris Hilton Krist-a-bell helpfully advises us to “just be yourself,” and Postietoastie Googles the word “irony” to make sure he understands it.

 

The Hottie and The Nottie enjoys its first moment of perfect meta-ness as Nose Man encourages another character to drink straight whiskey to make it through a horrible ordeal. Moments later, a second moment of perfect meta-ness occurs as a character suggests that if he could go anywhere in the world right now, he would go home.[5]

 

The characters embark on the world’s least interesting, most painful double date scene and hey you know what? I’m getting so many slow motion, soft focus shots of Paris Hilton Kriztbl that I’m noticing for the first time that Paris Hilton looks high as a fucking kite stoned all the time. This is probably not an accident.

 

The Hottie and The Nottie starts lecturing me about how in order to be attractive, you just need to, like, you know, be yourself and shit and I start wondering if injecting alcohol directly into your bloodstream would actually work. I am just not ready for this film, and apparently there are still 50 more minutes of it. Jesus Christ.

 

Paris Hilton Krstbl starts lecturing about philosophy and metaphysics and shit, and I start wondering if maybe I should think about shooting up something stronger than alcohol. Then Paris Hilton Krystabyle starts being all emo and I start thinking about shooting myself instead. Paris Hilton Crustybill tells Nose Man that she thinks about him when she masturbates, further proving once again that I have absolutely zero idea what women are looking for. Oh, and god in heaven is Paris Hilton a bad actress.

 

Crazy Clockwork Orange style hijinx ensue as Tosser gets tortured, castrated and sacrificed to a huge, sweaty, satanic manatee. Everyone goes on a double date, some shit happens and I start dranking like I have never dranked before. After a strategizing meeting with THE Greg Asshat, some things happen and at this point I begin actively not paying attention to this movie. 

 

The Hottie and The Nottie achieves its first (and, most likely, only) moment of slight humorousness as Nose Man must compete for the right to fuck Paris Hilton Krustyballs against some chap who (in a less impressive display of meta-ness) is a Harvard graduate, dentist, model, philanthropist, stunt pilot, mountain climber. To be fair, this isn’t actually funny at all but, in comparison to what it’s surrounded by, it’s a fucking knee-slapper. As if to compensate for momentarily being slightly amusing, seconds later we get a shot of THE Greg Scumfuck taking a shit.

 

PAUSE!

 

(Useless prediction time! Impossibly Perfect Guy Man is gay! Tell your friends!)

 

UNPAUSE

 

In fucking unshocking news land, Nose Man starts getting all stiff thinking about Spookytooth. Nose Man attempts to stage a NEXTing Cermony on Paris Hilton Krostobol outside the club, and everyone is unimpressed as per usual. I leave to throw up and come back in time to see Nose Man get dumped by his fake girlfriend. Bummer, dude!

 

Back at THE Greg Cockknocker’s house, Nose Man is all sadface and then THE Greg Tiny Member gives him a speech about how you gotta like, you know, live your dreams and shit and then it’s off to the next scene.

 

Over at the coffee shop, Spookytooth is now all foxy and shit, and Nose Man is pitchin’ a tent like BOOM! Spookytooth helpfully gets over 26 years of psychological damage from being all busted and shit in like 18 minutes, and is fully ready to get some dick in her. After some ladder confusion, everyone gets sucked off and now it’s time for the big, stupid, obvious end of the movie party!

 

Since the big, stupid, obvious end of the movie party is also the big, stupid, obvious end of the movie COSTUME party, everyone shows up dressed like a cat or a cowboy or Elvis. No one comes dressed as a SCUMBAG, which has been my full-on custom Halloween costume for 4 years running now. Awesome!

 

In order to help with a nifty plot resolution, Paris Hilton Crostzablz suddenly shifts back into the mode that she displays all the time in real life, which is to say that Paris Hilton Kreesteebl suddenly starts talking and acting like an impaired person. After Paris Hilton Crostzablz gets dragged off by Spookytooth Foxypants to do some blow in the bathroom, Nose Boy throws down with Impossibly Perfect Guy Man. Paris Hilton Kreztblz kicks everyone out so that she can keep all the blow for herself, and Nose Boy and Spookytooth Foxypants head out to the patio for an emotional moment. 

 

Oh shit! Time to crank up the acoustic indie rock while everyone gets all emotional and ennui and self discovery and shit. Nose Man goes off to fuck Paris Hilton Krooostabeelz and Spookytooth Foxypants goes to make it nice with Impossibly Perfect Guy Man. Everybody’s fuckin’ when all of a sudden Spookytooth Foxypants is like “Smell my dick? Wait a minute, hold up!” and then Nose Man is all like “Oh snap I ain’t hittin’ that!” and then Melvin kidnaps me and we go watch Pandorum which was OK in real life but was way, way, way better than this movie.

 

Back again! Nose Man finally figures it out and recognizes that he doesn’t want sloppy seconds from like 3000 dudes this is his big chance to legally have sex with a virgin he’s in love with Spookytooth Foxypants. He gives some fucking useless speech, she starts crying, and I start crying with joy because I’m almost done fucking my eyes with this trash. And just like that, the movie ends! I’M FREE[6]! FUCK YOU DJ FOR MAKING ME WATCH THIS!

 

On a scale of 1-10, I give this movie a negative 6 billion.

 

 

->postietoastie

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