Hellboy 2: The Golden Army

INT: King Balor's Throne Room - Night

A bunch of pasty white people dressed in leather bondage gear are chilling with the King, who is sitting on his throne drinking Patron from a pimp cup.  Guillermo del Toro is currently standing behind a set of turntables on a raised platform in the back of the hall.  He is wearing bondage pants, a black mesh top, and goggles, and is currently attempting a mash-up of Ministry's  "Thieves" and "Mambo no. 5" 

Prince Nuada enters.

PRINCE NUADA

"Father...I've come to put an end to the truce between humans and Goth-Nite-ers.  It is time we seized our rightful place as rulers of this world!"

KING BALOR

"Hells-no, son!  Why you tryin' ta go out like a bitch, yo?"

PRINCE NUADA

"Would thou deny me this right?" 

PYRAMID-HEAD GUARD

"Is this the casting call for "Silent Hill?"

Guillermo points to the door at the edge of the set.  Exit guard.

PRINCE NUADA

"This party sucks.  I'm totally taking your floppy gold thing, and combining it my with my floppy gold thing and my sister's floppy gold thing, and I'm going to reanimate the Golden Army and go chill with them. They have Cinemax."

Enter Princess Nuada. She is rocking a glow-stick necklace and a Hello Kitty backpack.

PRINCESS NUADA

"Is this going to be over soon?  I just got a role on "Crusoe".

PRINCE NUADA

"Soon enough, sister!  I shall take con-blah blah blah gold hat blah blah ogre dude blah blah fucked-up crippled troll with an Irish accent and a wagon for an ass blah blah blah Golden Army blah blah hope I make the sequel blah blah..."

PRINCESS NUADA (to Guillermo)

"Can I peep the script? 

Guillermo points with two fingers over his head and nods to the beat of Nine Inch Nails' "The Perfect Drug" mashed up with "Get Jiggy Wit It."

PRINCESS NUADA

"What an ass."

PRINCE NUADA

"I was just thinking the same thing!  Anyway, as I was saying, the only glaring and totally obvious flaw in my plan is that I am tied to you in body and mind; we share our thoughts and feel each other's pain!  In fact, I think I totally still have a case of the Herps from that funny fish-looking motherfucker you hooked up with last month.  So anyway, if anything were to happen to you, it would also spell my demise.  Nothing like that could ever possibly happen, though."

PRINCESS NUADA

"Guillermo, can I ditch this gig?  It's 2-for-1 night at Taco Palace."

Guillermo nods.  He has one headphone ear piece tucked next to his head, and is working on mashing up Peaches' "Fuck The Pain Away" with "Theme From The Jeffersons".

Princess Nuada pulls a ceremonial dagger from her sweet Hello Kitty backpack and stabs herself through the heart.  Prince Nuada drops dead.

-SCENE-

.................

EPILOGUE

INT: The Bureau Of Paranormal Research and Defense - Morning.

LIZ

"I'm pregnant!"

HELLBOY

"Hello Mexico!"

SCENE

--->DJ