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Gamer
Someone puts on some Marilyn Manson and it’s “some years from this exact moment” according to the title card and then OMG! WTF! there’s stuff blowing up and there’s people shooting and running and running and dying and shooting and bleeding and sneaking and sniping and shooting and shooting and shooting and shooting and there’s grenades aspolde and it’s loud and now I’m running and shooting and there’s a save point and my buddy aspolde and I’m running and shooting and bleeding and now my head asplode and OMG! WTF! and PWNT!!!1!!! and then there’s the word GAMER in case you weren’t sure what was wrong with you, and then we get 10 minutes of opening credits.
Moving on, Kyra Sedgewick is the host of the nation’s hottest TV show “Expository Dialogue with Kyra Sedgewick”, and we learn that some chap has done some shit and it’s all weird, like, you know and IF YOU WANT COHERENT EXPLANATIONS OF ANYTHING DO NOT WATCH THIS MOVIE. Boy genius/annoying Southern Accent/generalized misanthrope Michael C. Hall shows up to help with the plot exposition, and pretty soon we know that there’s like, this game called Slayers and it’s all like, you know trippy and shit and, like, you know OMG MY HEAD ASPLODE.
King Leonidis[1] from 300 has been wrongly imprisoned for some shit or whatever, and we get a bunch of artsy off center framing and oversaturated whites and grays and Melvin says to me “this is an art film” and then Melvin is no longer my friend. John Leguizamo shows up to raise money for The Pest 2: Pesiter, and helpfully fills in any plot exposition we may have missed while our head was asplode.
Hey look, titties!
Some chap is all fat and eating pancakes and then Ludacris stops by to let him know that he’s got a big weed stash, that he has a pocket full of cash, and that he has just seen a big old ass and the fat dude’s life is ruined and he throws his pancakes.
Elsewhere, we are introduced to Online Gamer Boy, and in case you missed it, we are helpfully reminded that[2] online gaming is stupid. In order to make it better, Ludacris shows up to let him know that he has his system on blast, that the cops have just passed, and that he has just seen a big old ass and Online Gamer Boy is like “that’s so ghey[3], OMGWTF!”.
Back at the penitentiary, King Lemonades drinks an entire bottle of vodka and starts mackin’ on the ladies. Then he pees in a truck and that somehow works and then OMG! WTF! and now he’s driving and running and shooting and shooting and driving and swerving and racing and running over pedestrians and there’s big trucks and they’re driving and chasing and shooting and it’s loud and he’s driving and I’m shooting and killing and eating pancakes and shooting and puking and OMG MY HEAD ASPLODE.
I have a headache.
King Lemonades finally gets to meet Ludacris, a moment that would have been really exciting had it happened to you like 7 years ago. Ludacris helps us with whatever plot exposition we may have missed with our poor abused asploded head, and we learn from Luda that not only are his medallions reckless, but also that he has a midget hanging from his necklace. King Lemonades is all like “where’s my bytches?” and we learn that Ludacris has hos in different area codes. Good to know!
Rescue time! King Lemonades’s wife is busy with some shit, and so it’s off to save the day! Quick, let’s all get on our happiness bicycle and head over to Smiley Town for OMG! WTF! and now he’s running and shooting and some guy’s eating pancakes again and he has no shirt on and HEY LOOK, ASS! and then he’s running and shooting and dragging his wife through the hallways and there’s people walking and eating and getting’ nice and he’s running and shooting and OMG RAVE! AND IT’S DANCING AND FLASHING AND HE’S RUNNING AND SHOOTING AND FLASHING AND SHOOTING AND DANCING AND SHOOTING AND FLASHING LIGHTS AND SHOOTING AND GROOVING AND SHOOTING AND SCREAMING AND SHOOTING AND PUNCHING AND SHOOTING AND KICKING AND SHOOTING AND BREAKDANCING AND SHOOTING AND HEY LOOK, ASS! AND I’M SHOOTING AND PUKING AND SHOOTING AND SHOOTING AND HAVING A SEIZURE AND SHOOTING AND FLASHING AND RUNNING AND JUMPING AND RAVING AND OMG MY HEAD ASPLODE.
Hey, you know what I would do if I were a boy genius/annoying Southern Accent/generalized misanthrope/richest man in the world/scheming bad guy? I’d have a security system on my house that didn’t allow THE MOST FAMOUS, WANTED AND INSTANTLY RECOGNIZABLE ESCAPED CONVICT IN THE WORLD to walk right onto my house and start playing with the TV. Weird, huh? Anyways, that’s not Michael C. Hall’s plan. His plan is much more creative: let’s choreograph a dance number to “I’ve Got You Under My Skin” instead! Innovative!
Cue up the inevitable scene where the Evil Boy Genius/Bad Guy explains his entire plan to the hero instead of just SHOOTING HIM DEAD LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE. Then Evil Boy Genius/Bad Guy takes off his shirt while King Lemonades grunts and emotes poorly, and we get to watch the least interesting MMA fight ever instead of just SHOOTING HIM DEAD LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE. Oh, and for some reason this is being broadcast live to the entire world like the end of Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey. In lieu of a terrible KISS song (and in lieu of just SHOOTING HIM DEAD LIKE HE SHOULD HAVE 3 TIMES NOW), instead Lemonades stabs Evil Boy Genius/Bad Guy dead and the movie ends. Or something.
I give this movie a 122 ½ on a scale of -43 to +4,000,000.
->postietoastie
[1] My spell check wants to correct this to “King Lemonades”, which is DOUBLE PLUS AWESOME.
[2] EVERYONE WHO PLAYS ONLINE SHOOTERS IS A HOMOPHOBIC DOUCHEBAG AND THIS IS WHY I ONLY USE MY XBOX LIVE TO CONTINUALLY WATCH “THE HOUSE BUNNY” ON INSTANT QUEUE AND OK THEN!
[3] Oh, and BTW, fuck you if you truly believe that adding some sort of pussy disclaimer makes it OK to use hate speech. Just sayin’.
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