District 9

3:30 pm – Landed a few hours ago. Had to file a claim with airline; apparently, my suitcase ended up Reykjavik, Iceland. Can’t say I’m shocked. Flight was long; seated next to very tall crab-looking couple returning from vacation in Fiji. One kept bumping my elbow; couldn’t sleep as result.   

 

Wife says she has inexplicable urge for lobster rolls.  

 

4:45 pm – Checked into Park Hyatt hotel. The good: Jacuzzi in-room, well-stocked mini-bar. The bad: view blocked by 10 mile-wide spaceship. Also, mattress is too firm.

 

9:18 am – Lovely breakfast at little coffee shop around the corner from hotel. Eggs Benedict, fresh fruit, Colombian roast decaf. (Wife wants me to cut down on caffeine. Wife needs to cut down on third helping of buttered croissants.)

 

10:42 am – Spent last hour following wife around outdoor market. Terrible neighborhood; reminds me of Brooklyn, but with more tents and less trash. Wife claims she ‘negotiated’ a great discount on strange “perfume dispenser”. Unsure if she understands Rand/Dollar exchange rate. (Note to self: take over balancing checkbook when we get home.) Met a nice man in a wheelchair; calls himself “Mumbo”. Offered to sell me some guns or prostitutes at great discount price; politely declined. Also asked for help; is apparently a down-on-his-luck Nigerian prince trying to claim a family fortune he is rightful heir to. Offered 20% of fortune if I could help pay processing fees; will return tomorrow with routing number to bank account. Nice guy!

 

2:15 pm – Tried unsuccessfully to get charter plane to Kruger Park. (Saw a wonderful film of same name several years back; turns out it’s a wildlife reserve, and not a porn shoot. Not as compelling anymore, but wife wants to see giraffes…) “Pro-Prawn” demonstration in front of charter company blocking entrance; Jesse Jackson is speaking in support of group. (Jesse – “These crustaceans…are our equals; we should not discriminate against…these fishy people!”)

 

Wife is now upset at prospect of not seeing damn giraffes; won’t stop complaining. “Who the hell does that man think he is? I’m filing a complaint with our travel agent!”, she says.  (Note to self – pack earplugs next vacation.)

 

7:49 pm – Dinner was a fiasco. Wife insisted on wearing awful floral print dress; looks like couch cover. Also, used new perfume. Smells like used motor-oil. Barely got drinks before she started complaining of feeling ill. Figures. Grabbed basket of rolls for the walk back to hotel; wife complained whole way. (Note to self: see if Mumbo deals in contract killings.)

 

9:15 am – Wife is sick this morning. Also, her arm has turned into giant crab claw. Think I’ll go catch a matinee. 

 

11:27 am – Approached by a nice man wearing a trench-coat, sunglasses, and fedora. Called “Christopher”. Very tall, smells like clams casino. Doesn’t speak English well, but Tweeted from his IPhone asking if anyone had sold us a fuel canister yesterday that he needed for his “taxi”, and had I seen it? (Note to self – wife is a stupid bitch.) Told him I’d keep my eyes open. 

 

Stopped at travel agency on way back to ask about moving up return flight. This vacation sucks.

 

10:43 am – Not sure if wife is feeling better; no longer speaks coherently and resembles giant crayfish. Mumbo showed up, offered to take her “sightseeing”. Also, was licking lips and wearing plastic lobster bib. Christopher arrived shortly after, stole back “perfume” canister. Great; something else for wife to bitch about. 

 

Next, armed soldiers busted into room and demanded we go with them. (Note to self - I told her not to pack liquids in her goddamn carry-on!) Once we got outside, were attacked by giant robot-thing piloted by Christopher; he got into a gunfight with the soldiers before grabbing wife and running off. (Note to self - Guess vacation is finally turning around!)  

 

4:17 pm – Finally! A nice afternoon. Giant spacecraft took off, revealing beautiful sunset over Witwatersrand hills. Ordered room service. (Grilled shrimp skewers over chef salad, grilled garlic bread, cheesecake for dessert. Also, large Coca-cola. (Note to self – Suck it, wife!) 

 

Very peaceful without incessant nagging of seafood-wife. Might order up bottle of wine and rent pay-per-view porno…)

 

9:43 am – Waiting for flight home. Traded in mine and wife’s ticket for a single 1^st class upgrade – score! Also, received text from Christopher. All is well; he is en-route to home world. Also, wants to know if wife ever shuts up.  

 

10:15 am - Great news! My lost suitcase showed up just before boarding. Not a bad vacation after all!

 

 

--->DJ