Death Sentence (The Tale of Kevin Bacon)

Not only does Kevin Bacon get around as is proven by the infamous game “6 Degrees of Kevin Bacon” (a game, incidentally that he does not approve of), but so does his legend.

 

I mean seriously. You’d think people would have figured it out by now. You just don’t fuck with Mr. Bacon. You just don’t do it. Still, they try. They. The mysterious they. Who are they? We don’t know. We just get to witness their efforts. Allow me to explain.

 

Although he had been making movies for just about 6 years, he really began to take form as an indestructible force around the time of Footloose (1984). What happened in Footloose? People told him he wasn’t allowed to dance. What did Kevin Bacon say to that? He said, “Fuck you people. I’m a-dancin!” And you know what? He danced! Simple as that.

 

Life as a whole tried to hold him back in Quicksilver (1986). But did it succeed? I mean, c’mon. Of course not! Kevin Bacon. Versus life, Kevin Bacon wins every time. I mean he was “killed” in Friday The 13^th (1980) but he came right back a year later in a Neil Simon adapted comedy entitled Only When I Laugh (1981). 

 

Having defeated the challenges of life, Mr. Bacon went on to establish this victory in such movies as She’s Having a Baby (1988), where he showed us that fatherhood, although intimidating at first, aint no major obstacle. No big thing. Speaking of big things, how about the The Big Picture (1989)? That came out a year later. Mr. Bacon said, “Success can be obtained even when the odds are stacked against you.” He showed us. It’s true. It happened.

 

Somewhere between those two pictures (exactly between actually), he played a vicious and horrible, monstrous killer in Criminal Law (1988). He got over that phase. He’s a decent guy even if “they” are against him.

 

So what do we have so far? We have rules trying to get his dancing feet from doing their thing. Mr. Bacon said fuck off and danced the night away. Then life tried to step on his face and he said, “My face is made of metal and is slippery” so there was no successful stepping going on.

 

So what’s left to defeat?

 

Well, giant worms of course. In 1990, with the assistance of Fred Ward, he shot and hacked away at them in Tremors. Of course the worms came back again 3 more times after in Tremors 2, 3, and 4 but at this point in time, Mr. Bacon had moved on. He had other obstacles to conquer. 

 

Like what you ask? I mean, the denial of dancing, life challenges, giant worms…how about death itself?!

 

That’s right. The same year he battled the worms he also battled the symbolic Grim Reaper itself in Flatliners (1990). Along with a star studded research team, Mr. Bacon recognized that death aint nothin’ but a thang and said, “Let’s do it.   Let’s make it happen. Just wake me up when we’re done.” They did. All was well. For the most part…

 

After he tackled death he battled love in He Said, She Said (1991) and Pyrates (1991). Love was easy to overcome. I mean he’s Kevin Bacon isn’t he? The government, specifically conspiracies, were a miniscule obstacle for him as proven in JFK (1991).

 

He joined the military in A Few Good Men (1992), and famously noted that nothing could stop him. Nothing! So they sent him to space in Apollo 13 (1995) just to see what would happen. Space proved to be a challenge but I mean, again; Kevin Bacon! He returned unscathed!

 

Years passed by. He lived through adventures. Some dramatic, some dangerous. How about ghosts?! Ghosts tried to attack him in Stir of Echoes (1999). They were all, “we’re gonna get you, we’re gonna get you.” And he was all, “Fuck ghosts. Ghosts aint shit.
As it turned out, when it comes to Kevin Bacon, ghosts in fact aint shit.

 

People took notice and decided that turning him invisible as they did in Hollow Man (2000) might prove successful in pacifying and ultimately stopping this juggernaut of a man. All turning him invisible succeeded in doing though was it allowed him to check out Elisabeth Shue when she was all naked without her knowing it. Seemed fine to him.

 

Years past and more plots were foiled. Finally something got to him. Finally something stood in his way and almost crippled him. It wasn’t fascists outlawing dancing. It wasn’t life itself. It wasn’t death. It wasn’t space or giant worms or ghosts. It wasn’t the government. It wasn’t even love per ce. What was it you ask? What almost knocked the champ down and kept him down? I’ll tell ya… it was the House of Pain rejects all sporting rather fake looking tribal pieces all over their bodies. What was the film? Death Sentence (2007). The thugs killed his boy. That almost was the end of it. Almost. Then, Mr. Bacon realized that this injustice could not stand. When the killer was about to be set free after being caught, Mr. Bacon realized that the only thing to do was to take a page from Frank Castle’s book (A.K.A. The Punisher) and punish. Little did we know (although we should have) that Mr. Bacon, masquerading as an office bound Vice President for an insurance company had some major killing power in his blood. So did the thugs bring him down? Pfffft….c’mon! 

 

This is Kevin Bacon! 

 

The only thing they haven’t tried yet (to the best of my knowledge anyway) is throwing Billy Zane at him. I’m pretty sure Billy could knock Mr. Bacon down with considerable effort. It’d be a hell of a fight though. 

 

We love you Billy Zane!

 

The world has not seen the last of Kevin Bacon. He’s still out there experiencing life and living those adventures. And he’s kind enough to allow us to live vicariously through his adventures. It is safe to say that besides Billy Zane, no force on earth or from beyond for that matter can stop him. And for that, we salute the powers that be!